Positive thinking is widely encouraged and is seen as being beneficial to one’s well-being and relationships. It is true that having a positive outlook will influence your interactions and your goals, both at work and in your personal life. There is a fine line, however, between having a positive outlook and toxic positivity – that is, dismissing how someone is feeling by making out it’s not as bad as they think. Toxic positivity often means saying things like:

  • “Look on the bright side…”
  • “It could be worse.”
  • “It’s not that bad.”
  • “At least x isn’t happening.”
  • “Plenty of people have it worse than you.”

So how can you avoid this in your interactions?

On Friday 14th October, cognitive neuroscientist Dr Lynda Shaw joined us on The Big Friday Finish, talking about the dangers of toxic positivity and how you can improve your listening skills. Lynda Shaw works with organisations to accelerate effective behaviours that lead to business success and has been in the field for around 25 years. Here are the main topics she discussed:

Feeling heard.

People of all ages need to feel heard. We are a deep-feeling species, meaning that we need to know our feelings are validated. This is why it is important to try to understand the other person’s point of view in any interaction. When you respond to someone’s problems or concerns by encouraging them to see the positive side, you are not acknowledging how they are feeling in the moment. They will be left thinking their feelings don’t matter, and their problems or concerns will have gone unaddressed.

What you can do instead is respond in a way that shows you understand, or are trying to understand. When it is your turn to speak, put into words how you think the other person must be feeling, e.g., “It sounds like you’re having a difficult time,” or “that must be stressful.” By doing this, you are not only showing that you are listening but also that their feelings are valid and important.

Empathy.

People often talk of empathy interchangeably with sympathy. There is a difference, however. Sympathy is acknowledging someone’s struggles at a superficial level. It doesn’t require much understanding of what the person is going through; it simply means expressing that you feel sorry for them. Empathy goes much deeper than that. It means putting the focus on the other person and trying to see their perspective and understand their emotions. It is the opposite of toxic positivity, because it creates a safe space for people to share their emotions without feeling judged.

Empathy is important in any interaction, whether professional or personal. You don’t have to agree with them all the time, but you do need to be mindful of where they are coming from, as this will help you understand how best to engage with them. You can practice empathy not only in your conversations but in your thinking – how often do you wonder how another person is feeling? This is the first step towards practicing empathy and is vital in helping you connect with the people around you on a deeper level.

How to listen.

Being a good listener requires a good understanding of not only how the other person is feeling, but of the person themselves. This is because different people have different emotional needs depending on their personality and their situation. Sometimes a person will need advice. Sometimes they are seeking recognition or appreciation. Sometimes they simply want to be allowed to talk. And the problem with toxic positivity is that it doesn’t achieve any of these things. It simply fobs the other person off and shows a lack of care and interest.

One thing you can do is directly ask them what they need from you right now. This isn’t a commonly used strategy, but direct communication is important in establishing authenticity and developing trust. If you communicate directly, you encourage the other person to do so too. Pay attention to what they are saying and acknowledge every point they make. Poor communication can cause problems, while good communication can solve them, so try to get onto their wavelength. If you practice empathy and make them feel significant, they will reward you with their trust.

Want to know more about avoiding toxic positivity? watch the Big Friday Finish webinar with Dr Lynda Shaw here.